The Incredible Adventure of DadB and the Unbelievable Robot

In the last two days I have been spammed on my mobile - by my service provider. Spam? Yes. If it's unsolicited, unwanted and has no opt out, it's spam.

Ah, you say, I have seen those SMS messages, they do have an opt out! You just call a number they give you. Well, I let the first spam pass but on the second one I decided to opt out. It was offering me a fancy ring tone. Anyone who knows me can imagine my enthusiasm. Anyone on my bus home probably does not know how near they have come to a Sticky End by Insertion of a Crazy Frog when they set their phones to play "Bad to the Bone" or "Looney tunes" loud and don't answer within three notes.

So, I presume at my expense (in one-minute increments), I responded to my provider and rang the opt out number. I was a little relieved to find I was not talking to "Bruce" from Mumbai, but that was shortlived.

A female robot informed me the call could be monitored, supposedly to enhance their services. Ah, if only!

Then the robot asked to state a few words about the nature of my call. I took a term from the SMS and said "unsubscribe".

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Do you wish to cancel or change your account?"

"No."

"Im sorry, I didn't get that, please answer yes or no. Do you wish to cancel or change your account?"

"NO."

"Im sorry, I didn't get that, please answer yes or no. Do you wish to cancel or change your account?"

Well, about now I thought, if the robot is a useful advance - handle this!

"I probably will, now!"

"I work best if there is no background noise, and you may wish to call from a quieter environment..." I looked around. It was true, a keyboard was faintly clicking in the next office...

"Get an operator." I knew the robot would be stuck but if they claim to be monitoring, let's see it in action!

"Do you wish to cancel or change your account?"

What kind of Transformer is this one? A coffee percolator that turns into a complete and profound killer idiot? "YES!"

"Im sorry, I didn't get that. If you are experiencing difficulties you can be transferred to an operator by saying the word 'help'".

"Help."

"I didn't understand that. I may need to transfer you to an operator who will ask you lots of questions..." (O RLY???) "... and may have to transfer you again..."

"Please do!" This is sooo not the droid I'm looking for!

"I didn't understand that. I will transfer you to an operator."

Ah. At last! But unfortunately I was transferred to a "call disconnected" tone.

Last time I complained to my provider about their call centres I was told it wasn't their fault, they sub-contract. I'm not the person to tell that. I know the concept of "servant or agent".

I am going to have to visit one of their offices, in person, just to tell them not to send me advertising. If they say it's "subcontracted", well, Virgin Mobile may get a new client. And should a robot asks if it can help, it will find its plug pulled with an indignity that would make C3PO blush. That level of client service will turn me to voting with my feet.


I see that Aussies prefer robots to call centres. Not This Little Black Duck!



Pt. 2 - Attack of the Correct Persons
This is getting bigger than two trilogies!

I called into the service provider's office. They couldn't take care of the unsubscription, but would let me use a phone to talk to their client service people. I looked around. Yes, this was the place of business of my provider, no question. Oh well. I asked if I could do it online instead. No, I couldn't.

So I called the client service number. Guess what? No client service. Just another robot. It asked me to (cough)state in a few words the nature of my call. It got an icy silence which I hoped would short-circuit ahead to "putting you through". But of course it was sorry it didn't get that, and repeated the request. It got an even icier "I want to talk to an operator."

I was shocked to hear it say, "Thank you, I will transfer you to a client service officer..."

WOW!

"...but first... please say, or enter, the number for the service you are enquiring about, so I can put you through to the Correct Person." This was hopeful, so I did, and moments later I was talking, guess what, to Ludmilla from Mumbai.

"Can you please tell me the number of the service you are enquiring about?" she asked.

"I just told the robot that. Didn't the information get to you?" No, it hadn't, so that was a waste of time. And when she put in the number, she found it was a different type of service to the ones she dealt with, so she had to put me through to Bruce in Sydney who I guess was the Correct Person.

And Bruce in Sydney had to ask me for the number again, because neither R2D2 nor Ludmilla could pass it to him. Then his system indicated there was no such service, or at least, not that he could access. I mean, why give your first point of contact the ability to actually deliver solutions?

"Look, would you leave it with me..." Yeah, sure! "...and give me a number to call you on?" Ah well, he sounded credible.

"Okay, here's my landline ... and hey, why not just call my mobile when I hang up? Then we'll know if that number's good."

"Oh! Um, yes! What a good idea, I wish I'd thought of that!" He called back to confirm the number. He seemed shaken that I actually answered.

He was obliging, but all this leaping through hoops for such a small thing is not what I understand by the term "client services". But then, we only expect service from government offices, don't we?

Pt 3 - Return of the Status Quo
He didn't call back to tell me it had all been fixed. (A this point feel free to fake recoiling in shock.)

I think the next trilogy will begin with "Revenge of the Client" in which DadB unleashes the power of a New Service Provider. The Farce be with you.